Ch. Forgot what 12 Forgot what 12

**12** 

At night, I had another high fever. 

My whole body convulsed, my face contorted in pain. 

“No! Don’t hit me, I won’t do it again, I really won’t!” 

“Please, I hurt so much, please let me go.” 

“Don’t lock me in here, it’s so dark, I’m so scared.” 

“Can you give me anesthesia? So it won’t hurt as much when you electroshock me.” 

“I don’t want treatment anymore, just let me be sick, I’d rather die.” 

“I’ll change, I really will, I won’t love him anymore.” 

“Please, just let me die! I can’t bear it anymore.” 

In the boundless darkness, someone pulled me into their arms. 

The embrace was warm, as if it could envelop all my grievances. 

I yearned to lean closer. 

Yet I feared it was a new test. 

Each time, the doctors used such temptations to test me. 

If I succumbed to the temptation, a harsher punishment awaited me. 

“Still exposing weaknesses for emotions and desires, which means the previous 

conditioning wasn’t enough. Increase the dosage!” Dr. Thorne, wearing glasses, said. 

I knew everything, clearly. 

Yet, I still didn’t push this embrace away. 

I think I really was sick. 

Like a moth to a flame. 

Craving any warmth. 

& 

< 

Whether it was real or fake. 

I cried uncontrollably. 

Helplessly asking: 

“I don’t love him anymore, so why are you still hitting me?” 

“Christian, I clearly don’t love you anymore!” 

“Can you ask Willow to leave me alone?” 

“I swear, seeing you, I don’t even have an emotional response. How could I still love you?” 

Tears soaked his shoulder. 

The arm holding me suddenly stiffened. 

Then, it trembled even more violently than mine. 

Christian’s terrifying voice spoke: 

“Lily, are you in so much pain because of me?” 

I shook my head dazedly: 

“No.” 

“It’s because I love you.” 

“But, I already know I was wrong.” 

A muffled sob escaped his throat.